My Dear Friends,

I am sorry for the slight delay in putting pen to paper, I needed to be able to think clearly and give myself time to let the dust settle once more..that now done I can explain things in more detail to you.

None of the results from hospital were good..but I had expected that and none of it came as a great surprise to me personally..when you are as ill as I have been..you tend to become quite laid back even though it still hurts you because there is never any good news..save for the fact that the body is getting ever nearer to that moment when it will make that transition from the physical into the everlasting spirit and make that final journey home.

The results of the perfusion scan of the heart showed that the wall of the heart to be damaged on the left side..they say the damage is moderate but edging towards severe..a dramatic escalation since January when I was last rushed into hospital with what they now say was a silent heart attack.

They had always denied that there was a problem with the wall of the heart..whether they were being kind or stupid at the time I am not sure..probably the latter..but what is done is done and cannot be undone..at least now they have said there is a problem..all be it a serious one..good progress none the less!

It will come as no surprise to you that the heart is ectopic..the primary cause of that is the damage to the wall of the heart which is truly beyond any form of repair because the beats are in several different places in the heart..methinks it would take a bold surgeon to even think about it...but once you get into that game you are looking at a heart transplant which in reality is not going to happen...so far they have not managed to slow the pulse rate down..currently at 120 beats per min when resting..I know, it goes to very dangerous levels when I move about.

The problem is compounded by the C.P.O.D which puts huge amounts of pressure on the heart because the lungs are inflated fully thus making the heart work faster and faster, which to be honest it cannot cope with...so although this explains why I become breathless and walk slower than a snail it leads to an interesting scenario where 'Angels fear to tread' and then gets much worse.

They would no more do a lung transplant than a heart..so we can see where this is going..thats not to say they are not concerned even though so far they have managed to avoid the subject as to what they will or will not do..alas their management of me is somewhat wanting to say the least...of course it is fair to say that it was past the point of no return early last year.

I am easy about it..no one ever said it was going to be easy and truly it is not..but you get on with it because there is no other choice..it might well be that the physical body is well past its sell by date, the mind however is razor sharp and crystal clear..as long as that remains so I shall carry on pushing myself to my limits..I can no more wrap myself up in cotton wool than resign the tenure of my office; mayhap if I had been a weaker man and lacked the vision it might have been a very different story..I am glad that I chose to stick to the course set long before I was the twinkle in papa's eyes!

They think medication might slow the process down..but it takes a long time for the medication to kick in which is of course a double edged sword as they are already nervous about blood clots forming...so even with new medication it is unlikely to kick in time to stop this happening.

We are at loggerheads because my preference is to stop the medication completely as I have no wish to prolong my current or future condition in such a way, it is a ridiculous notion to think otherwise..it is not a life but a constant struggle on a day to day basis.

In a sense it hands my body back to me..and will be free of prescribed medication for the first time in years, which can only for the good..better under my own steam rather than theirs; I always was the rebel!

I am due to see my personal Doctor on the 24^th of this month when this will be up for discussion and hopefully I will have some sort resolution then, these things always tend to play themselves out..I remain confident that she will agree.

You must rest assured that I am not unhappy and I would love dearly to spend more time with you than I can at present..the body tires out easily and this has been written over a few days to make easier on me.

I was so delighted that you liked yesterdays mini post with the choir 'only boys aloud' such a wonderful song sung in Welsh..its a Welsh Prayer and the title translated means 'pure heart' thank you for listening to it as that touched me deeply.

Well my dear friends I had better close for now as I am tired yet again and I need to have a little sleep before thinking about dinner tonight.

Take care for me and remember you are always in my thoughts, I will try again to write to you again next week.

Love

Andreas xxx

Just because..

I am sorry I had planned to do an update yesterday and will not be doing one today either..I am awaiting results of some important tests..will be able to explain much fuller then..again I am sorry for the delay.I should have the first sets of results on the 8^th May...and you will be the first to know what is going on.

 Big Love To All